did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
