the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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