The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
