Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
