I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
