I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
