Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you never un-have a 4some
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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