I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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