Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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