i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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