Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
