I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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