just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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