allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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