I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Did I show you my penis last night?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
