I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
