Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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