her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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