i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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