Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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