You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
