I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
