I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
