Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
