What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
