My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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