i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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