I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
