Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
