I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my shit smells like andre
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
