soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
