Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
