i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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