I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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