my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
