I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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