We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
