its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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