i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
