I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I need to stop coming to work sober
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
