Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
