Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
