I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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