eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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