so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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