Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize