Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
