Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
