So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
