Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
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