Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
