fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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