My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
