What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
