Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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